HOT STUFF

Years ago working at the local Taco Bell I had a former employee partying up all Saturday come by the drive thru. He has no table manners and inhales food like the cookie monster. Brent was totally sauced for the weekend, and he’s being a real prick to everyone just because he works there. So I decided to “play God” and load his soft taco full of jalapeno peppers and hot sauce, so that there’s more fire sauce than actual meat or stuffing.

THE COLOR OF FRIENDSHIP

Once upon a time the colors of the world started to quarrel: all claimed that they were the best, the most important, the most useful, the favorite.
GREEN said: “Clearly I am the most important. I am the sign of life and of hope. I was chosen for grass, trees, leaves - without me, all animals would die. Look over the countryside and you will see that I am in the majority.”

BLUE interrupted: “You only think about the earth, but consider the sky and the sea. It is the water that is the basis of life and, drawn up by the clouds, forms the deep sea. The sky gives space and peace and serenity. Without my peace, you would all be nothing.”

THE BRIDGE

There was once a bridge which spanned a large river. During most of the day the bridge sat with its length running up and down the river paralleled with the banks, allowing ships to pass thru freely on both sides of the bridge. But at certain times each day, a train would come along and the bridge would be turned sideways across the river, allowing a train to cross it.

LABOUR PAIN

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

JESUS SAVES

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”

Man and Woman in Train - Wonderful Joke

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a long-distance train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.""I have a better idea," she replied."Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?""Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.And she said.

"Then get up and take it yourself"!!

Matrimonial Profiles of Guys From Different Professions...

DOCTOR:
Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.

LAWYER:
I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord, i.e., Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

BANKER:
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

Drunker:
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. Girl preferred will carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.


CAR MECHANIC:
Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.


SOFTWARE ENGINEERS:
Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features(privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities). There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her. Low Bugs can be deferred But needs to be fixed by the Next Build. She must _NOT_ be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT or USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer

REASONS FOR NOT MAKING LOVE FOR ONE YEAR HUSBAND VS WIFE

TO MY DEAR WIFE

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

• 54 times the sheets were clean
• 17 times it was too late
• 49 times you were too tired
• 20 times it was too hot
• 15 times you pretended to be sleep
• 22 times you had a headache
• 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
• 16 times you said you were too sore
• 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
• 19 times you had to get up early
• 9 times you said weren't in the mood
• 7 times you were sunburned
• 6 times you were watching the late show5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
• 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
• 9 times you said your mother would hear usOf the
• 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:6 times you just lay there
• 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
• 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
• 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move